1. Go out to Dinner
True, my usual dinner environment is behind a locked bedroom door and reinforced pillow fort, while I slowly unhinge my jaw and pray to the gods of gluttony to send my child-sized burrito on a swift and safe journey through my stomach passages.
So, if I do go out, I’d rather not subject my loved ones to my prehistoric eating habits — so they remain loved ones for years to come. And when you eat out alone, you only have to worry about yourself. You can take it all in. You can peoplewatch. You can order lobster stuffed with tater tots, in a creamsicle reduction. You can give the more boring food you’re actually served more exciting personalities. You can blame whatever you do next on Calvin the Intolerant Cauliflower. You can say whatever you’d like to the waiter as you’re being kicked out. It’s actually pretty liberating.
2. Go to the Gym
I generally tend to work out just before I meet another human being, so I look shinier to them. It’s important to be shiny. But using workout machines with other people? It’s like playing a game of musical chairs, where the music is percussive grunting and the chairs are covered with sweat. I’d rather not have any intruders in my zen garden, messing up my “bushes” and climbing my “trees”.
That’s mind stuff, not sex stuff.
Besides, keep those endorphins to yourself. It’s sweet chemical brain cocaine, and it’s meant to be hoarded, not shared. I know we’re all sick of watching our backs around our workout buddies, just in case they try to nab any of those sweet endorphins. Cherish the endorphins. Let them complete you. Accept your new chemical overlords. Let there be no witnesses.
3. Go to the Movie Theater
So, you’ve agreed to go sit next to a friend in a dark room and stare at the same shiny screen in complete silence, under threat of, from what I understand, is death? When it occurred to me that one can physically walk into a movie theatre and buy a ticket solo, I entered a new stage of life. A life of freedom, luxury, and beer bonging that delicious popcorn butter while strangers watched on in what I can only assume is respect.
Look, it can be tough to drag yourself out of that mattress sinkhole your body’s created over months of bingewatching Netflix. But when you go to the movie alone, you can abandon all social norms and act exactly like you would while watching a movie at home — but with a 50 ft. wide screen and way better snacks. Yeah, even that weird thing you do with your belly button and popcorn pieces. It’s dark in a movie theatre. It’s chill.
4. Travel & Vacation
Vacation is a sweet escape from the rest of your average peasant life. Where you can pretend to be a queen, or a king. Or Spurlock ‘Mustard’ McThunder, a wealthy condiments baron from Alaska. And I’m not about to have my friends or family blow my cover.
Besides, I like to travel at my own speed — visiting dozens of the exotic, breathtaking places I want to. Or just staying in my hotel bed the entire time, without having to hear about all the exotic, breathtaking places others are going. That’s not fair, Laura. Are 1,800 threadcount sheets not exotic enough for you? You know how much that improves the structural integrity of a blanket fort?
That’s right, Laura. You don’t.
Please don’t cry, Laura. See, this is why I like to travel alone.